darkness, nothingness

‘I was always an unusual girl. My mother told me that I had a chameleon soul, 

no moral compass pointing me due north, no fixed personality.’

I belong to no one. I have nothing. And I want everything.

Sometimes I wish I had many lives. And sometimes I really believe it.

I’m on so many ways. Two steps forward, one step back, three steps left, and another step right.

Is there anybody in there?

But I keep going, it’s time to go, because once we were born, we can never stop.

And once we grew up, we can never come back.

I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to run round and round. 

And wanting me to change would be a great harm for me.

We’ve got a war to fight, regardless of what everybody says.

You should be glad you are not me.

I think too much. My mind never stops and causes me headaches. 

I don’t want to die. Never. I don’t want to be taken by that scary nothingness. 

It will be the end for all of my lives.

And my tears are like pearls, falling down and smashing up into pieces.

A flutter of my lashes causes an earthquake on the dark side of the moon.

My senses are sharpened. I can see in the dark. 

Landing softly on my four legs, with a single leap, I move to the other side.

Fire, walk with me.

* And the Earth, you’ll see, the Earth won’t be the Earth, it won’t hold you.

* And the Water, you’ll see, the Water won’t be the Water, it won’t cool you.

* And the Wind, you’ll see, the Wind won’t be the Wind, it won’t calm you.

* And the Fire, you’ll see, the Fire won’t be the Fire, you won’t wade through it.

And when she stops loving you, you’ll see the Night in a middle of a day, 

and a black sky instead of stars. 

You’ll see everything what I have seen.

underwater

A woman.

'He fell in love. 
No,  heard it was the sea he fell in love with.

Same story, different versions. And all are true. See, it was a woman as changing and harsh and untamable as the sea. He never stopped loving her. But the pain it caused was too much to live with, but not enough ti cause him to die.'

The Sea can’t be quiet.

Every time I look into its dim abyss, I feel its power.

I feel a cold wind on my face, drops of salt water on my lips, damp hair sticking to my forehead. 

I am a pirate. Only a pirate knows and is able to take a risk. Only a pirate can appreciate this dangerous beauty.

And I saw frothed waves and I felt them crashing me. I saw lightnings and I heard peals. 

I saw a whirlpool but I kept walking. I took a deep breath and I dived. 

Sea’s roar turned into buzzing. I blinked a few times and I saw it.

I saw the underwater world.

I saw mermaids, beautiful and frightening at the same time. I saw tritons armed with tridents and selkies with their seal’s tails.

I saw sandy floor and a palace of white marble. I saw slow movements of fishtails. I looked at my feet and there was a flipper. I looked at my hands and I saw webbed fingers. 

I swallowed water and I felt it passing through my gills.

And I stuck out of the water in my bath.

I was lucky at least once more. As always. 

far away

I need sun.

I’m a Leo. I’m a creature of light and warmth. I’m full of energy, I’m full of passion.

I think we are determined by the time we were born.  Stars’ constellations make us being us. We are Cosmos. We are reflection of the  universe. A man can imagine things, but he always relies on things he already knows. A man can name things, but always using words which already exist. If we saw something unknown, we could only describe it by comparing it to something known.

It’s sad.

We’ve got potential. We can do everything. Impossible is nothing, it only takes more time. We are humans, we are living, we are feeling, we are thinking. Isn’t it enough to know we are powerful?

I am strong and I need sun. I like ambers and I am proud. I am a woman of love and faith. I am an idea.

Sometimes I feel like being far away from my body. I leave it because it’s too heavy to take it with me. Sometimes I hear buzzing in my ears and I see fog. Everybody and everything moves in slow motion.

I hear sounds but I don’t care.

I see faces and I forget them.

I am far away.

ageless, timeless

A few days ago, when I was in the garden and I was looking through the looking-glass, I found something interesting in the bush. 

It was a clock, and old-fashioned one, on a long, gold chain. It was broken. It didn’t show the right time because it was slow. 

At first, I decided to keep it. I liked its shape and colour. But then I became sad;
what if for someone it was very important, and its owner couldn’t find it? 

I woke up and I took a walk in search of the White Rabbit. I found him behind the seventh tree.
He promised me to ask the Caterpillar about the lost, and he ran away in leaps and bounds,
as always late. I took a few more steps and I saw a tail levitating in the air. I pulled it, but the Cheshire Cat didn’t know anything either, and after a while he disappeared. 

I was tired. I sat down by a rose bush and I saw its petals withering, dying and falling down. 
And I realized that the clock is slow only for us, that we have an illusory impression that we still have enough time, but we don’t. 

So Alice, please, leave your Mirror and start living immediately. 
Don’t be your own reflection. 
Make yourself real. 

A few days ago died a friend of mine. Tomorrow takes place his funeral.
I won't go. It makes me extremely sad.

Because, dear reader, I have my own world. I live in a soap bubble.
I can't be hurt. And you know what? All my life I've been avoiding sorrow.

And it works.

cosmic energy

Although I usually write at night, when the world is dark and there's no light except the moonlight, 

I feel a need to write now, in the middle of the day.

Does Cosmos care about us?

Is our destiny somewhere there, above us, between stars?

I know there is.

I know that everything we do is possible thanks to that cosmic energy which fills each of us. I know that this black expanse in which hang stars, planets, meteors and everything else is present in our bodies and our minds.

I think every man is a reflection of Cosmos. And every man perceives it in different way.

For ancient Greeks it was a symbol of order. And I think they were quite happy and equable.

When I look up, I feel Chaos.

Maybe I'm not ready to accept that challenge. Maybe I don't know my power yet. Maybe I know that it could take me in possession, to seize me. And I'm not ready.

I'm sure I'll be great one day. I know I am strong. But I have to be prepared when it comes a day of my trial.

For now, my power is lurking inside me. I hear its rumbles, I see it opening its eyes slowly. And I feel that the moment of awakening is coming.

But I have to be ready for that.   

madness

Sometimes I feel like a stranger.

I come back home and I do the cleaning. I put everything in a perfect order, books according their size, clothes according their colours. I need it. That order is a poor substitute of peace. I care of it, because there’s chaos in my mind. I’m immersed in a mess.

I sank into lethargy. I can’t go on. Even when I have a decision to make, I prefer to toss a coin. It works. Sometimes, during that short moment when the coin is in the air, I realize what is that I’m counting on. But sometimes I don’t. I let it fall down. And I don’t care.

What are  you doing? No, what are YOU doing? I like talking to myself. There comes a time when I have a chance to do the right thing. I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by. And even if I could, it would all be grey, and I don’t need your picture on my wall. Because yes, it’s so bad.

I knew many people, but you always knew them better. You even know better who I am. And then I stopped talking to them. Stopped seeing them. Because I believed you, because I trusted you.

They betrayed, I’m your really true friend now, they betrayed, and I’m forever there.

You’re my truth telling lies. You’re inside.

Open your eyes. I’m you. Sad but true.

When I look into your eyes, I see a stranger. Not inside you. I see my eyes reflecting in your eyes, and I see that foreigness. Yesterday I told you to look deeply into it. After a few minutes you told me that you couldn’t stand it, that it was like you were looking into the eyes of an extraterrestrial, of an animal, of a madman, of a nutcase. 

And I am all that, I suppose.

don't blink

I love tattoo art. I love to write down on my skin things that means a lot to me. Till now, there are five symbols on my body. And I want to get another one. This time it will say ‘don’t blink’.

I’ve already told it to many people, and the reaction of majority has been the same: frown forehead, mockery in the eyes and even some kind of feeling sorry for a silly girl who wants to disfigure her body. The rest has pretended to understand. But I bet they haven’t.

So?

Don’t blink. Because you are a child, and you spend a couple of years playing with other children. Then you go to school and you don’t understand anything, you just learn and clean your room because your parents want you to do it. Don’t blink. Because you go to a high school and you think yourself high and mighty. Because then you meet somebody. Don’t blink; you’re a student and your beloved from school becomes your wife. Don’t blink, because your children grow up and move away to start a new life. You are fifty now and you lie in bed with your love, praying to God to die before she dies. So don’t blink, because the time won’t stop.

It’s necessary to live immediately. It’s later than it seems to be.

I still look upon the sky and I still feel the chaos inside. Soon there won’t be place for me here. I’m nothing. I’m everything. I want to be everywhere. I want to reach the stars standing on tip-toe.

I remember when I was fascinated by the psychedelia. I was sitting in my room full of hookah’s smoke where the only light was the light of a candle. On the wall there was a giant poster of Jim Morrison. I saw him appearing and disappearing until he just went away. Now I’ve got the same feeling.

I’m in the eye of a storm. In a whirl of colours.